wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
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i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Succinctly put.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.