Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
how long have you had this for?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
🛁
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.