Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
You Might Also Like
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
fly smarter, not harder
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.