Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
You Might Also Like
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.