40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
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Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.