wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
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I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.