Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
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The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Wake me when AI does housework
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
wishing you and yours all the best
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Everyone’s family
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺