You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?