@byrdie_num_num: Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps.
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@crylenol: Commercial for Twitter dot com: *man yells nonsense out his window* Narrator: Don't you wish there were a better way?
@Jerrypleasure: Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently Me: Okay Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*
@DurtMcHurtt: Hobos are like cats, they'll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
@deardilettante: [ first date ] Me. Do you take drugs? Him. I never touch them. Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?