My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
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We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.