Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.