When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
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I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
HR said no more nunchucks.