The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
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If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’