[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
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I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”