[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
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“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.