Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
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I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Waiting for the Charmin
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Breaking news:
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.