When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
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Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?