wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
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Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
why would tinder want me to say this
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise