wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
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Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Heroic Misunderstanding
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
🤣🤣🤣
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.