Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
This is the one
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.