Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
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wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
me hitting on a model
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
do horses think humans are hats
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John