wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
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Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
this is the news I live for
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
sleeping beauty
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry