wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
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When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants