@TheBoydP: Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
@AdderallMomma: Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
@PlainTravis: I'm quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
@MyPornKhan: When folks unfollow me shortly after they've followed me I just figure they sobered up.
@TomHanksIsHot: If I ever kill someone I'm dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like "oh yeah this makes sense."
@aryuserius: Coke Zero
Well played Pepsi.