Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
You Might Also Like
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”