@TheBoydP: Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
@egg_dog: Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
@Mouthy_: My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions
@9to5Life: "911, what's your emergency?"
"My kids are being jerks."
"Hey, Christian, you can't keep calling here."
"Are you gonna send help?"
@Cunda22: If I squint really hard, nope. You're still an idiot.
@this503girl: Recently found out I'm not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said "Satin". Oops.