@TheBoydP: Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
@sixthformpoet: 1: Steal ice cream van 2: Drive around slowly but never stop 3: Be proud to have helped prepare children for life's many disappointments
@slaughthie: My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
@AbbyHasIssues: My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
@Home_Halfway: FRIEND: Your smoothie looks awesome
ME: Thanks. It's just 20oz of guacamole, it cost me $310
@NurseSeymour: Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.