Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
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I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?