Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
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I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Oh we’ve met.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug