*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
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Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
A ghost story
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD