*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
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me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Oh thanks BBC.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.