Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
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An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?