[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
You Might Also Like
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Oops I deleted….
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
If you breakdance you buy dance.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”