Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
This will never not be funny 😭
Feel. He’s so soft.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.