Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
broke down and did it
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.