Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
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My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
awesome draft from months ago i just found
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point