wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
You Might Also Like
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
reminder
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera