Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
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(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now