Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Grandmother clock.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?