I hate everything
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Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone