Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
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I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Cool shirt 🙂
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
damn he’s good
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs