Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
You Might Also Like
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]