Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
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everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits