WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
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