WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
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Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane