WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
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Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.