wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
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TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
#parenting
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
a god among men