Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
You Might Also Like
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”