wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
You Might Also Like
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog