wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
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*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Nomnomnomnom
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.