Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
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In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Brands during Pride
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots