[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
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Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.