[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
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My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.