[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.